I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i believe in u and ur pee
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
