i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
