Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i think my cat just said my name.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
