How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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