Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
