There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
