1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
