Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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