i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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