I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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