the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
