i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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