i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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