i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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