I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
