My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
