you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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