A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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