i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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