so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
this will be a night to untag.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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