you guys were way drunker than both of me
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
