I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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