My underwear smells like fireworks.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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