i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
