Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
