Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
