So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
