Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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