He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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