If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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