I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
my liver is dry heaving
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
