I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
