my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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