Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
