why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
