Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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