Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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