I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
