you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
