Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
