Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
