Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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