If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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