My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
