Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
