I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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