I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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