dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
