So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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