Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
This house was built for laser tag.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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