Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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