My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
