Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
