I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
