How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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