im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
