he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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